The Ache

Like the black and blue

After a blow

Like the raw-skin sun burn

The knife-edge scrape of the unkind wall

On the back of your hand

The pen scratching gash on the pure sheet

The word ripping wounds into the soul

How I’ve treated you, my body

Marring me, scarring you


(c) mamuangandmacarons

(c) GreenMountainJC from flickr

(c) GreenMountainJC from flickr


Life’s Pleasures

A poem I wrote very quickly a while back – more of a reflective stream of consciousness than a proper poem

Part I


Shaking as I talk,

Three jumpers bunched on top of one another.

The sun shines bright through the ice,

Mocking me, aren’t you?

I always loved the spring

April was elating


Three times,





aren’t real life.

Every morning

I move, empty.

Half a slice of bread, half an apple.

A handful of walnuts, three oranges.

No. No. No. No. Wait-

Sugar is sinful. No more fruit.

Bread makes you bloat. Rice cakes instead.

Or just celery. Move. Celery. Cucumber. Yoghurt.

I can’t WAIT to see you again! I’ll look just

How you want me to. You’ll love me. Again

Part II


Look around.

Ham sandwich



Oat biscuits

Cereal, three bowls

With milk. One, two,

Three choc – five, six, seven

Chocolates. More. More. More.

Can’t move. More. Can’t. Need. So,

So Good. I  c a n ‘ t  . Just one

More. You’ve started already so you

Might as well carry on. Persevere. Your

Resolve is sorry. Except with this. Stop

Wait Stop Enough What Have I done? What Have

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I won’t ever again. Please

God if there’s one thing I can ask for please

Can I never do this again? Thank you, God, Amen.

Can’t get up. Must – salad. Tomatoes, lettuce

Cucumber. Just. Just. No. Just one. One chocolate

One packet of crisps. One biscuit. One

Pack of biscuits. Cheese. Nutella.

Crips. Chocolate. Cheese.

Sweet then savoury

You feel less full

That way

Oh God,


I just

Life’s pleasures. Woe. One love.

Photo: wikimediacommons

Photo: wikimediacommons

First post

The dreaded First Post. The fear. How to begin an anonymous, virgin blog? For me, this is a fresh beginning. A random amalgamation of thoughts on food, recovery, university and general life.

Blog name

“Ma muang” is my favourite fruit – it means mango in Thailand, the country that I was born in. Macarons are pride of my other nationality – for those who are unfamiliar with Ladurée and its many successors, macarons are a traditional French pâtisserie.

Food is important – it has been a passion my whole life but for many years it has also been a problem. I’m a recovering bulimic but I don’t want my blog to focus solely on my eating disorder – just as I don’t feel defined by my illness. I mean it to be personal but also positive. I’m learning to rediscover food in a fun, healthy, and happy way, and would like to share my journey with you! 🙂

With love xx

Photo: osbern, flickr

Photo: osbern, flickr