Life’s Pleasures

A poem I wrote very quickly a while back – more of a reflective stream of consciousness than a proper poem

Part I

Cold.

Shaking as I talk,

Three jumpers bunched on top of one another.

The sun shines bright through the ice,

Mocking me, aren’t you?

I always loved the spring

April was elating

Twice,

Three times,

Four.

But

No,

Patterns

aren’t real life.

Every morning

I move, empty.

Half a slice of bread, half an apple.

A handful of walnuts, three oranges.

No. No. No. No. Wait-

Sugar is sinful. No more fruit.

Bread makes you bloat. Rice cakes instead.

Or just celery. Move. Celery. Cucumber. Yoghurt.

I can’t WAIT to see you again! I’ll look just

How you want me to. You’ll love me. Again

Part II

Still.

Look around.

Ham sandwich

Grapes

Cheese

Oat biscuits

Cereal, three bowls

With milk. One, two,

Three choc – five, six, seven

Chocolates. More. More. More.

Can’t move. More. Can’t. Need. So,

So Good. I  c a n ‘ t  . Just one

More. You’ve started already so you

Might as well carry on. Persevere. Your

Resolve is sorry. Except with this. Stop

Wait Stop Enough What Have I done? What Have

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I won’t ever again. Please

God if there’s one thing I can ask for please

Can I never do this again? Thank you, God, Amen.

Can’t get up. Must – salad. Tomatoes, lettuce

Cucumber. Just. Just. No. Just one. One chocolate

One packet of crisps. One biscuit. One

Pack of biscuits. Cheese. Nutella.

Crips. Chocolate. Cheese.

Sweet then savoury

You feel less full

That way

Oh God,

Please

I just

Life’s pleasures. Woe. One love.

Photo: wikimediacommons

Photo: wikimediacommons

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About mamuangandmacarons

Thai and French. Final year at a university I used to hate but have grown to love. I have been bulimic seen I was 18, and have been seeking help for it for the past year. The road to recovery is long and winding but I am trying to rediscover food in a healthy and happy way :) xx

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